Maintaining Connection After Having a Baby

Having children can change the dynamics in our relationships and in our family structure. It can be a difficult adjustment period for many and often the challenges of caring for a child can have a direct impact on the intimacy levels in marriage. Just finding a few moments alone with your partner can be incredibly difficult and often when we have those moments, that’s when we need to get errands done, take a shower, or the many other million things on our list. Sitting down to just focus on our partner and talk is not usually the highest on our priority list, but it should be! Maintaining relationship and marital satisfaction is key to also having a happy family structure. Relationships take work and it really requires both parties to put in the effort, especially after having children. 

5 Tips to Maintaining a Strong Relationship After Having a Baby:

Alter Expectations: 

Give yourself and your expectations a break during this adjustment period. Having a baby and going through the transition of a changing family is difficult. It’s important that you do not set your expectations too high with how things “should be” in your love life or sex life, after having a child. This is a period when you should remain as flexible in your expectations as possible. So many things can change and be different from what we expected. If we are too focused on forcing them to be a certain way, we will inevitably be disappointed and unhappy. 

Keep Up With Strong Communication:

Talking is critical in a relationship and especially during the postpartum period. When a couple is going through the transition of bringing a new baby into the home, it’s important that they are talking along the way about how they are feeling and what needs they may have. For example, there can often be challenges with care-taking of a newborn and checking-in regularly with your partner is very important to maintain clear expectations and understanding during this time. One of the common challenges during adjusting to life with a baby is that many partners feel they are giving 80% of the work and care while their partner is only giving 20. Interestingly, your partner often feels the same way, which creates a disconnect and sometimes anger and resentment. Therefore, strong communication about how you are feeling is very important during this time as well as thoroughly discussing how to divvy up chores and duties around the house so that everyone feels comfortable with their role.

Outside of care-taking of an infant, communication is also key in maintaining intimacy and talking about your relationship and sexual needs. It’s important that couples are also talking about things outside of just the baby. The postpartum period can feel that life revolves around only the baby and often, it does, but it’s important if you are wanting to maintain a healthy and well-connected relationship, that you are embracing other factors in your relationship as well. Keep lines of communication open and strong about all aspects of your lives. 

Feel Good About You & Practice Self-Care:

After a baby, so many things can change, including our bodies, hormones and body image, especially for the partner who has given birth. It can be difficult to feel sexy in your own skin. Even for partners who haven’t physically given birth, just the shift in relationship dynamics and sometimes the lack of intimacy and sex can impact self-esteem and how people view themselves and their relationship. 

Practicing self-care is critical to reducing stress during the postpartum period as well as improving self-esteem, which both of these factors play a direct role in our relationship and satisfaction. It can be a challenge to balance infant care-taking with self-care and relationship work. Remember that a simple self-care practice is not necessarily something that is lengthy and time-consuming. You can do a quick activity in order to benefit yourself and your self-esteem with just a few minutes each day. While finding a few moments of free time each day is difficult with a child, just understand the importance of this activity to your ability to be a good parent and a good partner in your marriage. It’s definitely worth the effort. 

Embrace Changes in Your Sex Life:

Having a baby does not have to completely destroy your sex life. It may drastically change it, but with a little work, you can still have a very successful intimate and romantic connection with your partner. As we covered in the first tip, review and adjust your expectations. Many couples want their sex life to return to their pre-baby days and it just might not be possible, so it’s important to explore new ways to make intimacy work for you. It’s important to remember that after having a baby, especially for the new mother, hormones are still adjusting in the body and sexual desire may be lower. Also, as with a self-care practice, the postpartum period can impact one’s self-esteem and body image; therefore, having an impact on their sexual desire. So be sure to work on your own self-care and give yourself some time for your body and hormones to readjust. 

Many couples want the spontaneity in their sex life and while that can be very important, the reality is, it may not be possible with small children in your home. Life is hard after a baby and things might not be as smooth. So first, focus on bringing back the intimacy in any way that you can, even if it is scheduled. Later, you can work on spontaneity. This may include scheduling times to have sex with your partner that are during nap times for the baby or it might be a quickie at lunchtime when you used to take more time together in the evening. Your sex life may appear differently after having a baby, but it doesn’t have to completely go away. Find alternatives that work for you and your partner. 

Make Time for Intimacy:

While your sex life is essential in your relationship, just being intimate, close and well-connected is extremely important. Intimacy may include sex, but it doesn’t always. Sometimes it is just holding your partner’s hand and feeling close to them. So after a baby, make time to be emotionally present with your partner. Take the time to actually be engaged and connected to one another. It’s a time you can turn off the tv, put off the chores for 20 minutes and spend time actually talking to one another. 

When a couple is in the transition period of having a new baby, they can often focus on the long list of things that need to get done around the house or simply taking a much-needed nap when they get a moment alone. While you must also do those things (remember how important self-care is also), you must also find balance, even a few minutes every week, to just connect and check-in with your partner. Putting forth this effort into your relationship leads to a stronger connection and higher marital satisfaction.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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JOIN OUR FREE FACEBOOK GROUP ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS:

If you’d like to read more on relationship topics and hear tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is a free, but private and closed online support group that is listed under the Loving Roots Project Facebook page. The group is facilitated by Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist and Relationship Coach and provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & videos:

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10 Tips for Couples

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Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

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5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

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Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

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10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

10 Tips For Couples

Relationships are hard work! It takes time and effort to really put your partner and your relationship as a top priority in your life. There are many different factors and aspects that we have to take into consideration to maintain a healthy relationship. Below are 10 helpful tips to keeping good balance, communication, priority and intimacy in your relationship. 

1. Take Time:

It’s important to set aside time to commit to speaking to your partner about your relationship. This dialogue should include your likes and dislikes about the partnership and anything you see that you can try to change for the better. This exercise is designed to allow partners to express their feelings rather than allowing resentment to build over time. This could simply be 15 minutes at the end of the week when you and your partner can commit to not be disturbed by other things and actually communicate with each other. The purpose is to “check-in” every once in a while about how both parties feel about the relationship to ensure an opportunity for open lines of communication. 

2. Work on Communication Skills:

Healthy communication is the ability to speak in a way that allows you to feel heard and also giving your partner that same opportunity. The point is to have effective communication that is productive and allows you to solve problems and make progress. Learning how to communicate better with your partner should include the ability to also listen, which can be key. First, you must learn how to communicate your thoughts and feelings in a productive way rather than placing blame. When we point blame, it often raises defenses in the other person and creates resentments over time. During communication, try using “I” statements, such as “I feel _____”. This allows you to speak from your own perspective without pointing blame. For example, “I feel angry when you come home late at night” is more productive than, “you’re always coming home late!” It’s a small change that has a big impact. The two examples carry very different tones and meanings. This can greatly impact your partner’s response. This allows you to express how you are feelings without blaming your partner. Again, communication is about getting feelings across productively and working to find resolution.

3. Make Love a Priority:

Be sure to make your relationship with your partner a priority in your life. After being together for quite some time, it can be easy to put our relationship on the back burner and not actively work toward maintaining communication or passion. It can be difficult to manage all of the different activities and aspects in our lives. There are lots of things are important, such as our jobs, our health, our alone time, our children, social life, hobbies, etc. But be sure that you are also putting forth thought and effort toward your relationship. This sends a message to your partner that he or she is an important factor in your life. It is essential that we not only send the message to our partner that our relationship is important, but we also maintain a good balance of the different priorities in our life. 

4. Be Attentive:

The idea of being attentive and having high awareness to what is happening in your relationship and with your partner is crucial for it’s success. Many times, people attempt to “brush problems under the rug” and ignore the obvious. Or they may be physically present with their partner, but not really taking the time or fully paying attention to them. This can build resentments and hurtful feelings over time. People should address problems as they arise and discuss them regularly, rather than hiding from them and allowing them to accumulate. We should also take time to be really present with their partners so they feel heard and cared about. It may be impossible to do this 100% of the time, but be sure to devote some time and attention to your partner on a regular basis. This also relates back to taking that time to have healthy communication and “check-in” on your relationship is doing. 

5. Express Assertively:

The healthy balance in between being passive on one end and being aggressive on the other is assertiveness. Being assertive in the way that you speak to your partner allows you to state your needs in a direct and reasonable way.  Many times people do not think about the way that they speak and may do so in an aggressive manner, which can be very unhealthy or they may chose to not speak at all and remain very passive in their relationship, which contributes to the building of resentments and unsolved problems. Being assertive allows you to express thoughts, opinions, feelings and ideas in a healthy matter. Finding this balance can be difficult, but worth the time and practice. You can go back to the suggestion of using “I” statements to be sure and address things with your partner in a way that does not place blame and allows you two to communicate productively.

6. Practice Self-Soothing:

Soothing our own feelings and sitting with difficult emotions is an important part of taking responsibility for our own feelings as well as being in a relationship. People often project their feelings onto their partner rather than self-soothing and dealing with their own emotional state. We must learn how to deal with and heal from our own emotional baggage without needing validation or emotional soothing from our partners. The ability to comfort yourself means you can calm yourself in a healthy way even when your feelings are hurt or your partner is not validating you and telling you what you want to hear. When two people are able to both self-soothe, it makes for a much happier and healthier relationship. The communication becomes more productive and each person feels more in control of their own emotional state.

7. Engage in Conflict Resolution:

Resolving a conflict can seem overwhelming and at times, impossible to do. This is especially true when we allow conflicts and arguments to continue for a long period of time and resentments build. Not allowing conflict to go unresolved or those resentments to arise is essential for couples. Conflict resolution should take place when you and your partner are calm and willing to talk things through until you can reach a compromise. Resolving a conflict involves coming into the discussion with ideas of things that you want to change and an agreement that you are both willing to change the things that you can. That means that each party is involved in the change process and has to take responsibility for how they can work toward resolving a problem. This is where that self-soothing comes in because when we discuss resolving conflict, emotions can run high and communication can be difficult. Remember to self-soothe, calm yourself down, and remember that the goal of the discussion is to reach compromise and resolution. 

8. Build Your Sexual Relationship:

Your sexual relationship can often be a metaphor for the health and functioning of your relationship as a whole. Therefore, it is important that you are monitoring the state of your sexual relationship and ensuring that is a priority in your life. It is important that you are open and honest with your partner about how you are feeling. It is key that couples check-in occasionally about how they feel about their sex life and intimacy levels. Are both parties feeling that their needs are being met? Are there things that you wish you could change about your sexual relationship? Again, these are important aspects to share with your partner, but sex can be a difficult topic for couples to discuss. It may be helpful to set up a time to talk when both parties are aware of the discussion so that they go in prepared and ready to share their feelings. 

9. Focus on Self-Awareness:

Looking within ourselves and thinking about how we contribute to the challenges in our relationship is something that is essential to creating healthy change. Most people stray way from this; however, as it is much easier to blame your partner for things that are wrong. It requires you to be very vulnerable and honest with yourself on how you can also change in order to better the relationship. First, think of the common arguments you and your partner have and explore ways that you may contribute to these disagreements. Most of the time, we seek to change our partner rather than change ourselves so in this example, come up with a few items that you can do differently in the future. Taking responsibility for our own actions and things that we can change will help to create overall change and betterment in the relationship.

10. Find Personal Balance:

Maintaining a balance between your identity as an individual and your identity as a couple can be very difficult, but it can be a key component to relationship satisfaction. We actually tend to appreciate our relationship much more when we also have our own independence and autonomy. So be sure to maintain your own social life, activities or hobbies and encourage your partner to do the same as this will allow for better balance and health in your relationship.

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Services are available for individuals and/or couples. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Online Group for Couples

Be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group: The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

View fullsize

Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

View fullsize

10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

Unlocking Happy Relationships: Balance is the Key

Most people desire healthy, mature relationships that bring joy and satisfaction to life.  Maintaining a healthy relationship is challenging, but it’s also an exciting opportunity to work on intimacy and connecting with others. While two imperfect people can never have a perfect relationship, these ideas can enhance your love life--or try modifying the tips to improve friendships or family relationships. 

Be Yourself

Many have known a friend or family member who, the moment she begins a relationship, separates from people and activities she once enjoyed.

Cultivating your own interests, activities and friends is crucial to overall happiness and often results in a more satisfying relationship. The goal is to preserve each individual’s identity while investing time and effort together.

He Says, She Says

We all have expectations, especially for our relationships. Many assume our partners should know our wants and needs but when they fail to have the magic ability to read our minds, we experience disappointment. 

It’s important for both partners to talk about their feelings and expectations – and just as important to listen. This is particularly true if your partner is less verbal than you.

Mutual communication inspires a sense of safety, promotes confidence and encourages the honest expression of feelings. It creates a better environment for love -- and passion!

To Forgive is Divine

Of course, fights and arguments are inevitable. But if conflicts are not properly resolved, couples find themselves in a negative pattern of arguing, including nagging, becoming emotionally detached or using sex as a bargaining tool. 

In a hurry to ease the tension during a conflict, we often “kiss and make up,” convincing ourselves and our partners that the issue at hand has been resolved. In fact, if forgiveness is not extended, old arguments can resurface to hurt our partners. It’s easy to get in this rut when we are unable to let go of hurtful events from the past.

Ideally, a conflict ends with true forgiveness, a difficult step that takes practice. It is much easier to hold grudges and resentments than to forgive and move forward. Learning to genuinely forgive will ease tensions and lead to a more peaceful relationship.

Keep Courting

After a period of time, many couples experience a roadblock:  They like the comfort and familiarity of a long-term relationship, but the routine makes them feel tired and bored; they complain there isn’t a spark. This is sign that change is needed! 

Just like a summer romance that swept you off your feet, your long-term relationship can be passionate and exciting. Try mimicking your courtship with creative date nights; you’ll both remember the exhilaration of young love. Don’t underestimate the thrill of spontaneity and trying something new together.

Keeping your relationship healthy is all about maintaining a balance in these areas: preserving self-identity, expressing your feelings, resolving conflicts, keeping passion alive. Relationships can be tough and challenging, but also joyful and exciting. 

Good luck in your life’s journey to find love, happiness and balance!

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ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support or interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you and your partner to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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Free Facebook Group for Couples

Be sure to JOIN our free Facebook group: The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that provides tips and inspirational material for couples and supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

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Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Clinical Psychologist, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.

Follow the Loving Roots Project on social media for weekly blogs & video posts:

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View fullsize

10 Tips for Couples

View fullsize

Maintaining Intimacy After Having a Baby

View fullsize

5 Steps to Building a Stronger Connection in Your Relationship

View fullsize

Coping With Insecurities in a Relationship

View fullsize

10 Signs of a Healthy Relationship