Ways to Increase Affection in Your Relationship

June 9, 2021 Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt

Has your relationship hit a rut? Do you feel that you and your partner are just not as affectionate anymore? Well, you are not alone. One of the most common issues that I work on with couples in my relationship coaching practice is the rebuilding of affection in their relationship. It’s incredibly common that affection decreases in a relationship, especially if we are not putting forth a conscious effort to maintain that intimacy and affection with our partner.

A reduction in the levels of affection can happen for a number of reasons. For many, it could simply be a difference in their personality style and comfort level. Perhaps they just are not as physically affectionate as their partner. This difference can often create challenges between the two parties. Decreased affection can also happen when there is increased stress, tension, arguments, or even when one party is experiencing some mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, posttraumatic stress, trauma, etc. People can also simply feel off balance. Their focus may be too much on work or a social issue that they don’t even realize they’ve let the intimacy and affection levels drop in their relationship. Another similar and common issue is feeling very comfortable with your partner. While is generally a wonderful thing in a relationship, it can also lead people to stop putting forth as much attention and passion toward their partner, which will lead to a decrease in affection levels. One of the more common personal issues that tend to arise for people is having difficulty with vulnerability, trust, and letting their guard down. We can put up emotional barriers or walls that guard and protect us from being hurt, but they also separate and distance us from having intimate and loving experiences. Read more on some reasons behind lack of affection here.

Tips to increase affection in your relationship:

1. Talk it Out:

Well, first and for most, it’s important to talk to your partner. Communication is one of the best and most direct ways to address issues in a relationship. Sit down and have a conversation with your partner about how you are feeling and what you are noticing. It’s important to not point fingers and place blame as this can create defensiveness but to approach the situation with care and concern. This way you can discuss any feelings and develop a strategy for best addressing the situation. This is also crucial if your partner is struggling with an issue that may be hindering their ability to show you affection. Give them a chance to express what that may be and how the two of you can work on that.

2. Don’t Nag:

This may seem opposite from point #1 and in some ways it is, but it’s not that simple. A very common cycle that I see with couples is getting trapped in a nag and retreat pattern. This is when one partner nags and the other retreats. When the partner retreats and becomes even more emotionally distant, the nagging partner increases their nagging behavior as well, which causes the retreating partner to retreat even more and so on. It’s a vicious cycle that seems to escalate and become very damaging to the relationship. If you have addressed your desire for more affection in a positive and constructive way, then try some other tips and ideas without hounding the issue further. Again, the continuous commenting on lacking in affection may actually cause your partner to retreat more so just be cautious and mindful when you do communicate. As stated in the above point, be sure that your communication is attempting to find strategies to address the issues rather than blaming them.

3. Boost the Good:

It can be helpful, positive, and uplifting to build upon the positives in your relationship. This doesn’t change or take away from the negative, but it can often make it feel much, much smaller. So while your partner may not be as affectionate as you would like, perhaps they are wonderful with providing for your family or taking care of household chores. Instead of focusing solely on the negative and lacking aspect, build upon the good. Praise them for the things done well, provide positive reinforcement and praise as can help everyone to feel good. If a partner is aware that they have difficulties expressing and showing affection, receiving praise in other areas that they do well, can be very helpful and even assist in breaking down emotional barriers and walls that may be contributing to their lack of affection. This strategy can also help to boost feelings of connection and intimacy between partners and this often leads to higher levels of love and even affection.

4. Work on You:

If you are the partner who is having difficulty showing affection, reflect on reasons that might be causing this for you. As stated before, many people have difficulty opening up due to trust issues, past trauma or betrayal, personality factors, challenges with emotional vulnerability, etc. It’s important if you are finding that expressing yourself through physical actions or verbally is difficult, then it may be time for some self-reflection. Also, start with baby steps! Take it one day at a time and slowly start with one small step each day. This can often help people to begin to build more trust and confidence in themselves, their partner, and their relationship; therefore, allowing them to be more emotionally vulnerable. Read more about reducing emotional barriers in your relationship.

5. Have Date Nights:

While this may seem obvious or perhaps you always have date nights with your partner, it’s important that when there are concerns about intimacy and affection in the relationship, you continue to utilize date nights as a means of having quality alone time with your partner. We can often get stuck in a rut in our relationship. We may engage in the same routines so try shaking it up a bit and change up your date nights. This can set the stage for some quality alone time with your partner in a new and different way. This can also be the foundation for connection, intimacy, and that most sought after affection.

6. Initiate Sex, Intimacy & Affection:

Next, try initiating intimacy, sex, and affection with your partner or continuing to do so. It’s important that you continue to initiate affection as this shows your partner you desire a particular level of affection. While they may have a different level or need for affection, it’s important that we are compromising in our relationships and meeting somewhere in the middle. Also, when a person feels rejected then they can stop initiating affection also and when this happens, then all affection in the relationship is gone. When you initiate intimacy, try discussing what things they enjoy and assess where your partner’s comfort level may be with demonstrating affection. This way you can determine things that they like and dislike which may help build more affection and intimacy between the two of you.

7. Seek Professional Help:

If you and your partner have a difference in expressing affection or your partner is not able to show affection and it’s negatively impacting your relationship, then you may consider professional couples services. While seeing a professional for relationship issues can seem intimidating, it is actually quite helpful, normal, and can be very successful. Having a neutral party to discuss issues with can help in reducing the defensiveness between partners as well as facilitate better communication. It helps to have another set of eyes … or ears, to hear about your situation and offer suggestions and tips. You can find many local marriage counselors, couples therapists, religious leaders, and relationship coaches who offer services. Many also offer virtual and online services as well. See the section below for our virtual relationship coaching services.

You can read more on common reasons for lack of affection here or see below for more relationship-related blogs & videos:

ONLINE SESSIONS AVAILABLE

If you are needing support or are interested in relationship coaching, virtual services are available, see Online Coaching with Dr. Shelley. Online services are provided by telephone or online through a HIPAA-compliant telehealth portal, which allows you to be in the comfort of your own home during sessions & have increased privacy. Appointments may be booked online or simply email Dr. Shelley with any questions or appointment requests.

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If you’d like to hear more on relationship topics and tips for couples, be sure to JOIN our free and closed Facebook group called The Couples Collaborative. This is an online support group that is closed and private. It provides tips and inspirational material for couples as well as supportive discussions on challenging relationship-related issues.

Blog written by: Dr. Shelley Sommerfeldt, Relationship Coach & Founder of the Loving Roots Project, an online wellness practice specializing in personal growth, mental wellness, & relationship betterment.